There're two more weeks before Year 2 starts. Am I ready? I've ordered/bought most of the books needed for the school term. After checking the syllabus of the upcoming four courses (Biblical Exegesis, Hermeneutics, Pastoral Care, and Introduction to Christian Counselling), I felt a bit stressed about the upcoming workload. Still, after studying a year of foundation courses, I'm looking forward to these Year 2 courses, especially Exegesis, because I really wish to learn how to read/understand the bible well. I've made a glimpse of its textbooks, and I'm loving them!
During summer, I have the opportunity to review my financial and vocation issues. With our current financial status, we'll be able to stay for one more school year. Various plans have swung back and forth in my mind to cope with the reality. Once again I need to ask myself why I am here and the goal for this education. I recall from the beginning that I've never been called as a minister/pastor, though in school I have developed more sensitivity of a pastoral soul. Yet, my promise of going back to teach at APS would eventually lead me to focus on children ministry in a primary school setting. I always see it as a wonderful ministry: a great setting to tell God's good news to my students through fellowship, assemblies, and graduation camp; in a class setting, there are more opportunity to systematically teach about the bible and spiritual practice to the young kids, building a firm foundation of faith since their young age; we can reach out to their parents through parental support group; more importantly, with a united heart in serving in school, I'm not working alone but with great commrades of fellow staff and teachers; I see this service in school is as important as the service in a "church" setting.
Now my concern is: Am I "qualify" to serve in a school setting without a master degree? I should have better communicated this concern with my principle before leaving. I do treasure the MDiv program as I really like this comprehensive and systematic study of Christian faith and practice. However, if I cannot complete the program as planned, I still have no regret. As I'm thankful that this learning experience here at Regent has opened my mind in further pursuing growth in knowledge and maturity. It won't be accomplished with a 4-year program but would take a whole lifetime. I'm thankful that I now have a better glimpse of what books I should be reading in the future. For example, books on history, spirituality, biblical studies, and more...would a DipCS be qualify to take up a ministry position at APS? I would need to find out.
With this struggle, my fear came along. I thought that I would not be able to serve God well, whether in church or in school. It all stems from a harsh self-examination. I became confused about my character. I find myself so much shortfalls to become a mature and skillful person. I lost confidence in strengths/talents and I see myself better to be content of being a plain ordinary person. There were times that I would want to retreat everything back into my past (comfort zone).
Today, as I was reading the textbook of Pastoral Care class (
The Crucifixion of Ministry, by Andrew Purves), I was struck by a passage:
"Ministers can't forgive sinners, raise the dead or bring in the kingdom of God. Neither can we grow congregations, convert sinners or heal the dying......has taught me that
Jesus has to show up and do what he has promised to do......I was suddenly aware that our attempt to be effective ministers is a major problem. We are in the way. Our strategies, action plans, pastoral resources and entrepreneurial church revitalization techniques have become not the solution but the problem. Our ministries need to be crucified. They need to be killed off."
I echoe with the above passage as it points to the problem of my fear--I had a wrong attitude that focuses too much of myself rather than my Lord Jesus. May my attitudes be fine tuned before the beginning of Year 2, and bring me back on a right track of ministry in the future.
