明年今日

感謝天父，今日終於完成今個學期要交的最後一份功課！這一個月來的緊張狀態可以告一段落了。今個學期在系統神學及講道學中的學習真是滿足！今日寄出功課後除了感恩，還憧憬著明年的今日自己會在做什麼。明年四月到了這個時候，應該是櫻花盛放的初春，期待可以完成在Regent College這個Master of Christian Studies (Applied Theology)，可以畢業，和Connie、Abby、Elly回香港了！祈求在剩餘的這一年繼續經歷神的帶領，去完成這段在加拿大學習之旅。

Beloved

Although presently struggling with school work before school ends this week, I came across a few nice quotes from Henri Nouwen in his book The Only Necessary Thing:

"We are called to convert our loneliness into solitude. We are called to experience our aloneness not as a wound but as a gift--as God's gift--so that in our aloneness we might discover how deeply we are loved by God." (p.43)

...Henri urges us to claim ourselves as beloved children of a God who longs for our love. This is a whole new perspective on life. Do we dare to believe that a relationship of love and intimacy is possible between our God and ourselves?... "Prayer, is listening to that voice--to the One who calls you the Beloved". (p.12)

Yes, we are God's beloved children. May we learn to trust in Him more and live in His love daily.

「孟買血」、「二號仔」、Fixation

想不到這則新聞可以讓我對自我認識帶來這麼多反省。

報道連結：
全球百萬分之四人擁「孟買血」(Click to read)

小時候一向對自己的血型感興趣。上健教課（即現在的常識）時聽過擁有O型血的人可以救任何人，但O型的人若需要血便要從其他擁有O型血的人獲得血液，而且擁有O型血的人算是少數的一群，相對亦是擁有較大風險的人。雖然如此，小時我曾期盼過自己會是擁有O型血的人，那便可以救多些有需要的人，無論是家人、朋友，甚至陌生人。

看到這則「孟買血」的報導後，我向Connie提起小時的期盼。她的回應竟聯想到我的性格其實與我媽媽頗相似，大家都是喜歡以犧牲自己來成全他人的那類人。在九型人格的性格測試中我是「二號仔」給予型，或許媽媽也會是「二號仔」吧。只令我覺得有趣的是，我是怎樣從媽媽那裡育成今日的我呢？是先天定後天呢？

嘻嘻，其實連我的口吻也像我媽媽。有一次在視像通話中她出於關心的問我回家後有沒有喝水。那一刻雖明白媽媽的關心，但心裡不其然覺得厭煩，關心反變為厭煩，真覺得自己很不孝呢，但那厭煩卻又是不能否定的感受呢！再深一層，除了是因為媽媽強烈的「二號仔」給予型性格外，想到可能大家以往多年來分開生活，實在沒有太多機會在行動上表達關心，唯有在言談中多些表達。總之，這是還要深入了解的領域。

而其實自己也往往會出於好意地「指」Connie做事，例如看見艾莉張張口便緊張地著Connie餵哺她。對阿比又意見多多。自己的「二號仔」關心卻加上了不適當的口吻，有時也會令人感到厭煩、有壓力。我自身的限制（弱點）也是影響著我的家人呢。

最有趣的是這些年來我發現自己愛吃的本相其實很像在大學讀心理學時提到Sigmund Freud 他的psychosexual development theory裡的Fixation。我相信自己就是fixated在 Oral Stage中，表面看似常以滿足口腹為上，實則反映著自己對nurture的渴求，無論是生理或人際關係上。不知道我的童年是怎樣影響著我的成長呢？

由捐血講到性格、自我成長，真想不到這則新聞竟讓我帶來這麼多反省呢！

後記：
印象裡我並未曾捐過血，所以小時候的想法，與其想幫人，可能真正內心想表達的是渴望被需要、可以有別人的注意與認同，(ha, even having this blog site!)就像早前我分享我曾幻想自己英年早逝的動機一樣 (blogpost on March 24, 2010)。 我相信我這生都會一直有這份張力，學習如何面對這內心的渴望，渴望活得relational，渴望在上主的恩典與愛裡得餵養。

Blessed be Yahweh, our Creator, who cares for us so much and patiently builds us up.

Thank you Connie, for giving me the insights, and your continuous love and acceptance.
.

仇恨與破碎

人肉炸彈血洗俄地鐵，造成多人傷亡，場面令人震驚。發動這次自殺式襲擊的女人，俄國傳媒通常稱她們為「黑寡婦」，因為她們很多都是車臣分離主義民兵的遺孀，其丈夫都是在與俄軍戰鬥中喪生。在她們的內心，必定是為失去丈夫及家人感到很痛苦的…今次她們與極端回教武裝組織聯手發動這次襲擊，相信是要為她們的家人報復。

另一邊廂在爆炸現場，一名氣憤的年輕人說，其女友受傷入院，他誓要向回教徒報復﹕「我要去殺了他們其中一人。塔吉克人、阿塞拜疆人都沒所謂，他們都是一樣。戰爭要開始了。」

從這則新聞，聽到的是彼此間的仇恨，也描述了人因自身的罪往往造成了種種人際關係的破碎。我心裡祈求上主憐憫，在憎恨之處播下和平、醫治仇恨的種子。

報道連結：
人肉彈血洗俄地鐵38死 上班時間兩站引爆 港發黃色旅遊警示 (Click to read)
特工總部樓下施襲 車站滿濃煙 逃生人踩人 (Click to read)

Fear and Acceptance

Palm Sunday—To remember that very Sunday, a week before Jesus was crucified, entering Jerusalem in triumph. Yesterday in the Palm Sunday service, I was touched again by the grace of Jesus while singing this song:

Hosanna (Praise is rising)

Praise is rising, eyes are turning to you;
We turn to you;
Hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for you;
We long for you;

‘Cause when we see you,
We find strength to face the day;
In your presence all our fears are washed away,
Washed away.

Hosanna, Hosanna, you are the God who saves us,
Worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, Hosanna, come have your way among us;
We welcome you here, Lord Jesus

by Paul Baloche & Brenton Brown. Integrity’s Hosanna Music & Thankyou Music, 2006.

…Thinking back to my lustful sins, the words “see” and “find strength to face” got my attention.
How lowly I am! How unworthy I am! How then can I face God?
Yet “In your presence all our fears are washed away” …yes, fear…there is fear deep down in my heart of not being accepted by God…
But I know there's a greater calling, a calling to return, for God is gracious. How blessed it is to have such a calling to return! To return to the gracious God who washed our sins and fears away.
As the second verse goes:

Hear the sound of hearts returning to you,
We turn to you;
In your Kingdom broken lives are made new,
You make us new;

‘Cause when we see you,
We find strength to face the day;
In your presence all our fears are washed away,
Washed away.

Hosanna, Hosanna, you are the God who saves us,
Worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, Hosanna, come have your way among us;
We welcome you here, Lord Jesus

…Oh Lord, I need your mercy. Forgive my trespasses and renew me, that my heart rests in you always. Amen.
.

厭世絕望...恩典盼望

近日來香港接連有長者因無法面對生活的壓力自殺，當我看到其報道時心中實在難過萬分，一方面感受到活著的家人失去親人之痛，另一方面當自己代入自殺長者所面對的困局時，都能明白一點點他們因年老病患帶來的痛苦與絕望。

小時我也曾有種想法，會想自己是英年早逝的那種人。這樣一來，一方面好像會讓人感到很婉惜，叫人憑吊（由此可見我內心是多麼渴望別人的注意、認同及愛…其實乃很自私的想法…現在有家室便更明白…Connie亦很意外我那「悲壯」的想法），另一方面也不用面對年老身體機能漸漸衰退帶來的痛苦與自憐。現在人越大，偶爾想到年老時會有很多想做的事做不了，感覺不只是可惜，甚至是不知可怎面對（panic）。結婚這些年來我和Connie曾不只一次討論過若有一方要「先走一步」，留下來的一半會是怎樣面對，我們都明白當中對自己和配偶的impact影響。對我來說，生、老、病、死，都是人生必定會經歷的階段，人越大越知道在面對年老、病患、到人生的最後一程，都需要很大的勇氣。就算是經歷上帝恩典的人生，都不會有例外。

我相信到自己要經歷年老、病患時最想問的是「生存意義」(Meaning of life) 的問題。我翻開上一個學期上的Soul of Ministry課筆記，看看有否提及這些問題的探討，卻沒有什麼發現，但見一個突出的標題：God’s Providence（上主的供應）我信這位造物主有豐富的恩典，我亦知道祂是一位relational的主，是人世的brokenness中，最大的倚靠和安慰。我渴望到經歷這些挑戰時仍能存倚靠的心，因為主耶穌賜的盼望有勇氣走完這段路；身旁亦有relational的人為我打氣（就算他們未必會完全明白自己的境況、感受）。

報道中的兩位長者都一心不想因自己的健康而拖累家人，他們的心情，我想我能明白。不知道在面對這矛盾與絕望中，以relational的態度面對會是怎樣的呢？會否帶來出路？（要花多點時候反思）
我和Connie的父母現在也有他們面對的挑戰。希望自己和家人可以在他們走過這段路的時候，與他們同行、支援他們。

報道連結：
翠玉瓜塞肛大出血 老翁稱「古法自殺」 (Click to read)
退休父攜智障女開煤氣同死 憂去世後乏人照顧 (Click to read)
一句「要去得尊嚴」 打動企跳癌翁 婦人爸爸肺癌死 了解病人感受(Click to read)

Lining Up For A Cause...

This is quite a queue! Is this a queue for bus? (I had thought so) NOPE. They're lining up for HOTDOGs!! This hotdog stand is no ordinary. It's selling hotdogs with an oriental twist...the Japanese taste....called the Japadog. It's quite well-known in Vancouver (even though I haven't heard of them until during the Olympics) The Japadogs have different flavor. To me, one of them tasted like those octopus balls (but now a sausage and bun instead). The Japadogs are not that expensive (~$5-6) comparing to ordinary hotdogs. But the line-ups can get really long......guess how long it took for us to get our order.......1 hour!!! Would you be willing to wait that long for a hotdog? ^_^

It was quite fun to hear the chef keep thanking his customers loudly and proudly, saying "Thank you ~~~~" in English with a Japanese tone.

The Japadogs are quite yummy. Give it a try if you have a chance! ^_^ I wish to try it again!