Recurring dreams

Have you ever dreamt about something over and over again? In Canada, I often dream about teaching back in Alliance Primary School Kowloon Tong, where I had taught for 10 years and was also my home school. In those dreams about APS, I would see faces of my dear colleagues and students. The school building and people appear so vividly to me. I don't recall much of the details in the dream, only knowing that they relate to the typical teaching life in APS. The general mood of those dreams is quite happy, but I also recall once that I had to bid farewell to a good colleague of mine. I can tell I really look forward my return after finishing my theological study here at Regent. I guess these dreams do reflect such yearnings in my subconscious state.

Recently, as an alumnus, I have written a poem for the 55th anniversary of APS. It captures some unforgettable scenes of school life back then. I'm posting it here to share with you.


Blessings by Philip Cheng, Class of 87
To APS, past and present

M any sweet memories came in mind
Y es, as fond melodies rewind

Y earning to live in that space again
E ach moment of past retain
A s I think of that three-storey school
R ecesses ended with a way so cool
… “Ding Ding Ding” as you’re having a groove
S hall you no longer move

I am glad true friendships grow
N ow in touch and still we know

A fter so many years gone by
P ast reminiscence does not subside
S ing our school song with me again
... To God: “Amen” our joyous refrain

死亡清掃人 (Death Sweeper)

這則新聞令我想起最近愛看的一部漫畫--死亡清掃人Death Sweeper。故事由主角發現自己哥哥自殺死去作開始……我只看了頭兩卷，但已被這故事及人物發展吸引著。這部不是以驚慄、怪異作招來的漫畫，卻是藉主角及其他不同角色直接面對死亡的實況，在描述人性的善惡以及對生命意義的反省，甚為細膩，值得推介。

This manga is about the job of cleaning up scenes of death, and discusses the meaning of life and death. Through interactions between the deceased's family and friends with the death sweepers, we understand the meaning of death. No matter is it is a peaceful death at the ends of one's life, murder, suicide, death from illnesses, when death comes, who would be able to predict it, or prevent it? That is why we have to try our best to live on.
(Quoted from Baka-Updates Manga)

明年今日

感謝天父，今日終於完成今個學期要交的最後一份功課！這一個月來的緊張狀態可以告一段落了。今個學期在系統神學及講道學中的學習真是滿足！今日寄出功課後除了感恩，還憧憬著明年的今日自己會在做什麼。明年四月到了這個時候，應該是櫻花盛放的初春，期待可以完成在Regent College這個Master of Christian Studies (Applied Theology)，可以畢業，和Connie、Abby、Elly回香港了！祈求在剩餘的這一年繼續經歷神的帶領，去完成這段在加拿大學習之旅。

Beloved

Although presently struggling with school work before school ends this week, I came across a few nice quotes from Henri Nouwen in his book The Only Necessary Thing:

"We are called to convert our loneliness into solitude. We are called to experience our aloneness not as a wound but as a gift--as God's gift--so that in our aloneness we might discover how deeply we are loved by God." (p.43)

...Henri urges us to claim ourselves as beloved children of a God who longs for our love. This is a whole new perspective on life. Do we dare to believe that a relationship of love and intimacy is possible between our God and ourselves?... "Prayer, is listening to that voice--to the One who calls you the Beloved". (p.12)

Yes, we are God's beloved children. May we learn to trust in Him more and live in His love daily.

「孟買血」、「二號仔」、Fixation

想不到這則新聞可以讓我對自我認識帶來這麼多反省。

報道連結：
全球百萬分之四人擁「孟買血」(Click to read)

小時候一向對自己的血型感興趣。上健教課（即現在的常識）時聽過擁有O型血的人可以救任何人，但O型的人若需要血便要從其他擁有O型血的人獲得血液，而且擁有O型血的人算是少數的一群，相對亦是擁有較大風險的人。雖然如此，小時我曾期盼過自己會是擁有O型血的人，那便可以救多些有需要的人，無論是家人、朋友，甚至陌生人。

看到這則「孟買血」的報導後，我向Connie提起小時的期盼。她的回應竟聯想到我的性格其實與我媽媽頗相似，大家都是喜歡以犧牲自己來成全他人的那類人。在九型人格的性格測試中我是「二號仔」給予型，或許媽媽也會是「二號仔」吧。只令我覺得有趣的是，我是怎樣從媽媽那裡育成今日的我呢？是先天定後天呢？

嘻嘻，其實連我的口吻也像我媽媽。有一次在視像通話中她出於關心的問我回家後有沒有喝水。那一刻雖明白媽媽的關心，但心裡不其然覺得厭煩，關心反變為厭煩，真覺得自己很不孝呢，但那厭煩卻又是不能否定的感受呢！再深一層，除了是因為媽媽強烈的「二號仔」給予型性格外，想到可能大家以往多年來分開生活，實在沒有太多機會在行動上表達關心，唯有在言談中多些表達。總之，這是還要深入了解的領域。

而其實自己也往往會出於好意地「指」Connie做事，例如看見艾莉張張口便緊張地著Connie餵哺她。對阿比又意見多多。自己的「二號仔」關心卻加上了不適當的口吻，有時也會令人感到厭煩、有壓力。我自身的限制（弱點）也是影響著我的家人呢。

最有趣的是這些年來我發現自己愛吃的本相其實很像在大學讀心理學時提到Sigmund Freud 他的psychosexual development theory裡的Fixation。我相信自己就是fixated在 Oral Stage中，表面看似常以滿足口腹為上，實則反映著自己對nurture的渴求，無論是生理或人際關係上。不知道我的童年是怎樣影響著我的成長呢？

由捐血講到性格、自我成長，真想不到這則新聞竟讓我帶來這麼多反省呢！

後記：
印象裡我並未曾捐過血，所以小時候的想法，與其想幫人，可能真正內心想表達的是渴望被需要、可以有別人的注意與認同，(ha, even having this blog site!)就像早前我分享我曾幻想自己英年早逝的動機一樣 (blogpost on March 24, 2010)。 我相信我這生都會一直有這份張力，學習如何面對這內心的渴望，渴望活得relational，渴望在上主的恩典與愛裡得餵養。

Blessed be Yahweh, our Creator, who cares for us so much and patiently builds us up.

Thank you Connie, for giving me the insights, and your continuous love and acceptance.
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仇恨與破碎

人肉炸彈血洗俄地鐵，造成多人傷亡，場面令人震驚。發動這次自殺式襲擊的女人，俄國傳媒通常稱她們為「黑寡婦」，因為她們很多都是車臣分離主義民兵的遺孀，其丈夫都是在與俄軍戰鬥中喪生。在她們的內心，必定是為失去丈夫及家人感到很痛苦的…今次她們與極端回教武裝組織聯手發動這次襲擊，相信是要為她們的家人報復。

另一邊廂在爆炸現場，一名氣憤的年輕人說，其女友受傷入院，他誓要向回教徒報復﹕「我要去殺了他們其中一人。塔吉克人、阿塞拜疆人都沒所謂，他們都是一樣。戰爭要開始了。」

從這則新聞，聽到的是彼此間的仇恨，也描述了人因自身的罪往往造成了種種人際關係的破碎。我心裡祈求上主憐憫，在憎恨之處播下和平、醫治仇恨的種子。

報道連結：
人肉彈血洗俄地鐵38死 上班時間兩站引爆 港發黃色旅遊警示 (Click to read)
特工總部樓下施襲 車站滿濃煙 逃生人踩人 (Click to read)

Fear and Acceptance

Palm Sunday—To remember that very Sunday, a week before Jesus was crucified, entering Jerusalem in triumph. Yesterday in the Palm Sunday service, I was touched again by the grace of Jesus while singing this song:

Hosanna (Praise is rising)

Praise is rising, eyes are turning to you;
We turn to you;
Hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for you;
We long for you;

‘Cause when we see you,
We find strength to face the day;
In your presence all our fears are washed away,
Washed away.

Hosanna, Hosanna, you are the God who saves us,
Worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, Hosanna, come have your way among us;
We welcome you here, Lord Jesus

by Paul Baloche & Brenton Brown. Integrity’s Hosanna Music & Thankyou Music, 2006.

…Thinking back to my lustful sins, the words “see” and “find strength to face” got my attention.
How lowly I am! How unworthy I am! How then can I face God?
Yet “In your presence all our fears are washed away” …yes, fear…there is fear deep down in my heart of not being accepted by God…
But I know there's a greater calling, a calling to return, for God is gracious. How blessed it is to have such a calling to return! To return to the gracious God who washed our sins and fears away.
As the second verse goes:

Hear the sound of hearts returning to you,
We turn to you;
In your Kingdom broken lives are made new,
You make us new;

‘Cause when we see you,
We find strength to face the day;
In your presence all our fears are washed away,
Washed away.

Hosanna, Hosanna, you are the God who saves us,
Worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, Hosanna, come have your way among us;
We welcome you here, Lord Jesus

…Oh Lord, I need your mercy. Forgive my trespasses and renew me, that my heart rests in you always. Amen.
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